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STUFF AND NONSENSE: Trying to move my feet

September 11, 2014

Cluttered Mind

There is ‘stuff’ everywhere.

Forget my house, the external factors of my life; let’s start with me.

I have a cluttered mind. I fill it with unnecessary stuff. I plug the spaces of my life with trivialities. Why? Perhaps I’m scared of what I am – afraid that without all the ‘stuff’, there won’t be much left.

Can I bear to confess my own need, my neglect of my soul, my forgetfulness of God? I suffer from chronic forgetfulness but, rather than addressing this, fill my life with more distraction.

Distraction covers the wounds for a while. But in the end, it makes them worse.

A distracted mind calls me away from reality. I’m absent minded.

A forgetful heart loses its warmth. I’m cold hearted.

This is me, much of the time, tugged and torn by anxiety. Sometimes I wake churned up by worry or fear and I don’t even know why.

Where do I start with all my internal clutter and debris? Past experiences piled up in a corner. Haphazard odds and ends of expectation decorating the walls – expectations of others, and of my own. The need for acceptance and approval hanging in every doorway. The profound tripping over the nonsensical. There’s so much – too much – here.

Forgetful Heart by Lucy Mills - image

Easier not to look, to blinker the eyes of my heart so that I do not see. Or pretend not to see. The piles of ‘stuff’ just get higher.

One day I look down and find that cannot move my feet. I’ve been trying to run, but I always bring myself with me: me and all my rubbish. I can’t escape. What now?

Remember.

The word sneaks through.

Remember Me.

I realise the clutter of ‘me’ has squeezed out other memories. Memories of what really matters, of who really matters. Memories of One who loves me, who calls me and rescues me.

When I think of that One, a shifting takes place.

(I look around, panicking at the state of my heart. Hardly presentable!)

Remember Me.

My heart flutters back to the voice.

Remember Me.

Without looking down, I try to move my feet. And find that I can take one step forward.

***

Lucy Mills is a freelance writer and editor. She is the author of Forgetful Heart: remembering God in a distracted world (2014, Darton, Longman and Todd). www.lucy-mills.com

One Comment leave one →
  1. September 11, 2014 3:52 pm

    Reblogged this on matt's musings .

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